Standup & Hands Up, America II

The Donald Tweets and Quacks

Donald Trump has thrown his hair into the ring. He’s running for president and away from Mexicans before they steal his hubcaps, rape his wife, and cut his lawn.

So when Mexican drug lord El Chapo escaped from a maximum security prison, Trump tweeted, “I’ll kick his Mexican ass!” To which El Chapo tweeted, “Keep fucking around and you’ll eat your words, you fucking white cagaleche.”

Trump stammered, “You’re f-f-f-fired!” and promptly shit his pants, which is entirely appropriate, since cagaleche means “cum shitter.” 

Make Love Not War, Sharia Style

So it looks like we’ve finally got a nuclear deal with Iran. They agree to not make a bomb and we agree to marry multiple wives under Sharia law. President Obama says it’s a win win, but his wife Michelle has converted to Judaism and defected to Israel.


Republicans, who were taking steps to impeach Obama, have changed their minds and subscribed to Baghdad Bride Magazine.

Pope Francis Throws Holy Water on Global Warming

Pope Francis says global warming is a real problem, because you can’t walk on water in twenty-foot waves. So he’s issued an encyclical demanding life vests for the masses. He says if Jesus were here, he’d turn oil into wine and power the world on Merlot.

Homegrown Terrorists Don’t Go to Heaven

There was another shooting on a military base by an Islamic-American terrorist. These homegrown jihadis need to mellow out. Forget about waterboarding, let's force-feed them on some real homegrown spiked brownies till their hearts stop and they’re dancing in hell with 72 virgins in chastity belts.